Define Yourself

           

   I'm a person who assumes a lot of things. I have still yet figured out who I am and what I could accomplish with my life. Therefore I'm lost again but in many ways way better than when I was a freshman in college. I remember when I was 19 and wondering what I wanted to be. I started as a history major, then a english major, then a political science major, then a Theater arts major, then a english major again, then a communication major, then political science major, then communication major and finally I became a Political Science major and now I'm in that phase again. I in the past 2 years have interviewed and worked at so many weird places. Such places as Sriracha , Animal Cruelty investigator, Car Insurance quoter, flight attendant, non-profit for profit canvasser, celebrity autograph associate, Production assistant for a movies and tv shows, extra and the list goes on. But there is always a defining moment in life that pushes you forward. 

                My very first defining moment in my life was in 6th grade. I used to be a pretty big kid about 225 pounds 5'5 and waist 42. I for some reason was afraid of kids making fun of me for being fat. No one ever did make fun of me for being fat but I'm confident I would have had a comeback. I one day in class decided on 2 choices and only these possible choices. A. Be your average fat kid and care about school and what not or B. Be a class clown and see where it takes you and try to be remembered. So in 6th grade for some reason, I concluded that school just wasn't my thing and that school was kind of pointless. If I'm a class clown not only would I stand out but no one would ever make fun of me for my weight. As dumb as the choice was to just give up on academia, I realized then and there that there was more to life than school, I wanted to be remembered and academia would never take me there. 

                My second defining moment was as random as my first. I'm in 7th grade and for some reason walking towards middle school. I used to walk looking down on the street. Maybe, I was afraid of dog crap but I believe I was just so insecure about who I was as person. I from 5-9th grade thought I was the ugliest person in the world and fat. But for some reason I felt so compelled to look forward while walking and I just thought the world was so beautiful that day. The trees seems greener, the skies seemed so vividly blue and the sun just shined on everything on site. And I promised myself that for the rest of my life I would stand up straight and look forward in life. A. because I wasn't afraid anymore for some reason because I felt the world was too beautiful to not look at and also you can probably spot dog crap if you looked forward too instead of looking down. 

       

                  My third moment was the death of my grandpa and my short term gf cheating on me. I was just so young and insecure it just compounded on my innocence of what life was about. But then I found God and still to this day and I think to the end of my life I will question my faith. But no matter what I will believe,  I'm grateful to God for what I have been blessed with and what he has given to me in my life. I in my lowest moment in my life found an answer to so many problems and to this day God has truly never failed me once. Even though I'm in such a weird place I just know God forgives. I used to be a very hateful person who blamed so many things on other people and never myself. Then when I started blaming myself and of course I went to hard. And for some reason I began doubting because there is just so many things in life, where faith alone cannot be the justification of all our answers. Yet, I'm just afraid of what would happen if I just allowed my faith to be the justification of my life. I think other than being alone, trapped in a room by myself forever,  I'm afraid of being boring. Being a devout Christian is boring regardless of what people say. Especially in a age of knowledge. Imagine if Adam and Eve had the internet and could read and write. Life to them would totally make even more sense. Living a life that is 8-5 and being with someone I'm not happy with. Having kids and then what expect life to be over. I think about those people who are married, who have kids and I'm just so cynical about all of it. It's to me like giving up on life and letting your imagination be diminish with hard truth. That your dreams are the past and your spouse or kids are your future. I don't want to be the guy who hopes there kids dreams come true. I want to be the guy whose dreams do come true. 

                That is why my last 2 years have been so inspiring and disappointing. Inspiring in the sense that I've learned and experience so many hardships and success. Getting jobs I shouldn't have gotten. Losing and keeping friends that are important. Most importantly learning all along that I should just be happy with who I am. The only hardest part is convincing myself this but the constant fear of being average and normal just creeps on me. All I care about is being remembered for what my mind created because I am confidant about one thing. Dreams are dreams if you believe it but when you stop dreaming and believing, seeking, looking, craving, trying and have faith in something or someone and just trust yourself that you can, then you can do it. But to summarize in our lives there are so many factors of what makes us, us. There is a story about all of us and my story seems so minimal to who I have become. I'm learning to fly and that's why when your flying and life is at high there just really isn't much to really say. I've run out of material because when you truly find yourself, you just don't need to share your life with anyone and everyone. You share it with the people you care about and you focus on what's in hand. 

              But as of now I'm going MIA in notes because I just have nothing to write about I have learned so much about myself that the wining and dining process of what we all stand for simply is defined by know thyself and be yourself because ultimately your destiny is in your hands but possibly luck or even more possibly a guy upstairs looking after you. I would like to end my last note for a even longer while with this, http://www.quotegarden.com/self-discovery.html You can find all the quotes you want to inspire yourself. To make yourself feel happy about yourself. 

To make yourself have meaning. But the true quotes are all inside you. Don't let someone else write your story. Let yourself write it.